A 25-Year-Old secret

image

Hey, can I tell you a secret?

I have thought of ending my life several times.
On this day, I am turning 25. And I have thought of it more often than counting my age.

I have thought about it in great depth and how I could bid this world my bittersweet farewell. In fact, I once googled “suggested easiest and painless way”  to do so.

Though it sounds too morbid and an easy exit, the bottomline is: I know deep within me, I could not do such.

But here’s the thing: Just because you know that you can’t do it, doesn’t make the agony any less. The thoughts were still there. And feeling this way over a long period of time is incredibly devitalizing. Though I never had executed these thoughts, the idea of it was more powerful than any attempt.

This “dark cloud” was already familiar to me, I already knew the details of its anatomy and physique. This “dark cloud”  was once my childhood friend. Like a shadow, it stalks me at times during the darkness of the night, or even plays tag with me during the light of day. It was always there, waiting to devour every single cell of my fragility.

It often wakes me up in the middle of the night, giving me cold sweats, tremors, and palpitations, leaving me lifeless from within, that I end up staring at the four corners of the ceiling blankly and just feel… Empty.

Believe it or not, I do not have a miserable life. I have a supportive and loving family, a somehow smooth start of my career, and a great group of friends. My life was ok.

Yeah, what was I thinking?

I allowed this to consume me for years up to the point that I felt my life was just a worthless penny or a diaper full of shit drifting through the ocean.

Until one day, I grew tired of being a slave of my own emptiness, and decided not to feel this way anymore. It was not an easy one, and it took all those years to finally face my own demons. I engaged in more grounding and humbling activities, wrote poetry and opened myself through my blog, engaged in senseful conversation with friends and strangers, travelled solo to breathtaking places, started climbing mountains, prayed often, and exposed myself to the beauty of life.

And one day I realized, that life was worth-living afterall, her beauty just waiting to be unveiled beneath the mask of worthlessness.

At the end of the day, It was all just a matter of perspective, feeding the right wolf, and making the right choice.

Hey, can I tell you a secret?

I have thought of ending my life several times.

On this day, I am turning 25. And i have thought of it more often than counting my age.

But hey, can I tell you another secret?

I have thought of ending my life more often than counting my age.

But starting today, I choose not to.

For I will battle through this with courage and tenacity. I will make this “dark cloud”  my clay, as I train myself to perfect the art of positivity and resilience. I will acknowledge it for I know, it will still be there. I will learn to live alongside it, but i will not feed it. I will not permit it to evolve into a hideous monster I was once terrified of. I will let it fall flat and make it a pedestal to have a better view of life’s breathtaking horizon. And overtime, I believe, this monster will soon wither and die.

But not me.

On this day, I am turning 25.

And i am choosing to take the risk of becoming 26, or 30, or 65, or 85.

For I am now in charge of my own thoughts.
They are no longer in charge of me.

Not anymore.

……………………………

(“A semi-colon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end his sentence, but chose not to.”- #ProjectSemiColon)